Taiwan, I'm Your Guest
1995, Minguo calendar 84,
1997, Minguo calendar 86
2005, Minguo calendar 94
2019, Minguo calendar 108
I'm Chen.
An Englishman's wife. A Brummie's mother.
Host, guest, wanderer, outsider.
Oak chair in Chen's bedroom
Original version：
我算是個全職太太。每天插插花，遛遛狗，玩玩鳥 （笑）。 別人可能聽起來覺得不務正業，對於我來說，我有那個責任來照顧我的家庭。可是從內心上講，我覺得我還有更重要的義務，也就是在我來到這個世間，我覺得我可以achieve much more than what I've done. 我覺得我不是壹個笨人，我學東西其實很快的，只要我想要達成的東西，我覺得我可以憑能力去獲得。我的資源和知識如果能更多，我相信我不只是現在這樣。This （生活的挑战） to me is nothing. 我對生活是蠻憑感覺的，看到路邊的野花，我會有去想要是放在花瓶裏怎麽放。 我對生活很用心。
離家
我年輕的時候，天馬行空，認識很多朋友。我從來也沒有想到來英國，可是我丈夫當時很真誠，他對我爸說買機票先讓我來英國看看，如果我不喜歡可以隨時可以飛回臺灣。當時我覺得這個男人有guts，他敢於向我的家人承諾。 他當時臺灣和英國兩邊飛，壹邊待壹個月，我們短暫分別的時候他還哭了。我27歲第壹次去英國，傻不啦嘰的，拖住我三个哥哥的手，很開心，沒有想其它的。可是我偶然間回頭看見，我爸扶著玻璃哭很傷心。在機場海關的關卡那裏，感覺壹旦出去就回不了頭，那種感覺歷歷在目。 我爸當時還是鼓勵我出去看看。我來之前從來沒想過來在英國的生活是怎樣，從來沒想過萬壹沒有朋友，萬壹生活很無聊怎麽辦。我真的沒想到這些。 現在回來想想，我真的蠻佩服當初的勇氣。
Translated version:
I think I'm a housewife. (I) Arrange flowers, walk my pug, talking to birds (laugh). People probably assume I don't need to worry about anything, but for me, I have responsibilities to take care of my family. Deep in my heart, I always feel that I have a mission, that is, I'm supposed to achieve much more than what I've done. I'm not a stupid person. I learn things pretty fast. I believe I can achieve my goals if I want to. If I had more resources and higher level of knowledge, I wouldn't be the person I am now. This (life challenge) to me is nothing. I have my own sense of meaning in life. When I see the wildflowers by the road, I would think about how to arrange them in a vase. I care about the details in the life.
Leaving home
When I was young, I had so many friends that I would never get bored. I had many dreams but back then I never thought of living in the UK. Before I made the decision, my husband (boyfriend back then) was very sincere to my family. He promised my father that he'd buy me flight tickets and respect my choice of going back to Taiwan once I get homesick. I was moved that he really had the guts to make such promise to my family. At the time, he had works in both Taiwan and the UK. He always stayed on each side for a month,so he would still cry before he departed. At the age of 27, I came to the UK for the first time. How stupid I was at the airport, holding my brothers’ hands. I was so excited that I didn’t pay attention to anything else. However, when I suddenly turned around, I noticed dad was leaning against the window, crying so hard. At the checkpoint, I suddenly felt that I couldn’t get back once I left. That memory was so vivid. Though being sad, dad still encouraged me to see the world. I never thought about settling down in the UK. I never thought that I could end up having no friends or living a boring life. I really didn't think that much back then. Now reflecting on my past, I really admire my courage.
”我結婚了“
說到結婚，我們兩個是先登記，第二天才告訴爸媽講說“我結婚了，我都登記了（客家話）”。我爸整個人傻掉，”啊！妳結婚，整個事情沒有之前跟我講啊（客家話）“。 我爸的意思說我居然登記完之後才跟他們講，有點太遲了吧，就有壹點很嚇到。不過後來我結完婚回家（省親）， 也是自從那天掛了電話之後，我爸媽都沒有再提這件事，可能是覺得把這個女兒又撿回來了，還順便撿回壹個女婿，應該是蠻為我開心的。我後來也很歉疚，考慮都不考慮。
在海外的挫折感
當別人指著我的鼻子歧視我的時候,在奧地利，我哭了。當時很生氣，很傷心，有挫折感。回家會哭，常常哭。那時候我的感覺是，講德意誌語系的人鼻子朝天，有個詞叫hochnäsig (字面意思”高鼻子的“，意為趾高氣昂), 把人當作Spielzeug （玩具）。當時夏天在奧地利的露天咖啡店，我推著我女兒的嬰兒車，當時她才七個月大。我看起來就是膚色和別人不壹樣，黃皮膚的，剛去那裏也不會講德語。妳知道希特勒對於人種的標準影響了很多的老壹輩歐洲人。金發，藍眼，白皮膚。我當時點了咖啡，準備坐下休息但是椅子不夠，然後我就把多余的椅子拉過來。可是隔壁桌的人在我準備要坐下的時候把椅子就那樣拉走了。我老公也坐在那裏，可是沒人拉他的椅子啊。有壹次在cashmachine那裏排隊取錢，壹個六七十歲的老太太突然沖出來指著我的鼻子用德語罵我，我趕緊走開了，我覺得那個老太太還是受以前納粹教育的影響。
”I'm married now“
Speaking of getting married, I didn't tell my parents we've registered until the other day I made a phone call with them."I am married now (in Hakka)." My father was shocked, "Ah! You've got married! (But) you didn't inform us before you made the decision (in Hakka). Dad means it was a bit too late to tell them the news. However, my parents never mentioned this again since that day. They didn't blame me when I went back to visit them. Probably they were quite happy their daughter was back again, and they even had a son-in-law. Now I feel very guilty when I think of this. I was bit of reckless.
Experiencing frustrations abroad
It was in Austria when I first experienced discrimination. People pointed at my nose; I was angry, sad, frustrated. I always cried when I came back home. At the time, I had the impression that German-speaking people are hochnasig (literally "high-nosed," snobbish). Tey see the others as Spielzeug (toy). I was waiting for my coffee with my daughter's pram in an outdoor cafe. That was in the summer, and she (my daughter) was only seven months. I just don't look like the same as anyone else there. I'm yellow-skinned. Apparently I was a new comer and I didn't speak German. You know Hitler's racial standards influenced the older generation of European people. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin. I ordered my coffee and was looking for a chair to sit down, so I pulled over an extra chair to our table. But the people at the next table pulled it back just as I was about to sit down. My husband was sitting there too, but no one was pulling his chair. Also, once I was waiting to withdraw my money from a cash machine. An old woman, probably 60 or 70 year-old, rushed up to me and started yelling at me in German. She pointed at my nose, speaking so fast. I believed she was influenced by Nazi education.
失去了家
I "lost" my home
爹娘在的時候，我每年都帶著女兒回家，每次都待壹兩個月。有壹天淩晨三四點鐘那樣，家裏的電話突然不停響。淩晨，電話不停響，但是家人都知道兩邊有時差，妳覺得还会有什麽事？
（停頓）
我爸2005走的，到2015年走了有十年。我媽2004走，到2015年走了有十壹年。兩個人先後走的，他們走了，我的心感覺很空洞。壹個可以依靠的墻突然不在了，沒有可以依靠的了。那種感覺真的很空。 我常看著月亮就想起爹娘，和月亮對話，爹娘妳們還好嗎？父母在，不遠遊，說起來我很不孝。
When my parents were still alive, I would visit home with my daughter every year. We stayed for a couple of months each time. One night, around 3 or 4am, my phone suddenly started ringing. What would happen when family know there's time difference but still called you at this time? Think about it; what else could happen?
(long pause)
My dad passed away in 2005. Till 2015, it had been 10 years (since he left this world). Mom passed away in 2004, 11 years (till 2015). I felt empty since then. The wall that I used to lean on suddenly collapsed, and there is nothing left. I felt really empty. I often look up to the moon and think of my parents. I would ask the moon, how are you, dear mom and dad? There's a saying: Stay with parents while they are alive. I was ungrateful (for parents' love).
英國護照和臺灣情懷
護照到手時我還蠻自豪的，這算是我的壹個achievement， 我自己通過了考試，要去上英文課，學壹本厚厚的書，LIFE IN THE UK。可是人生沒有變，妳人生不會因為因為壹本護照而改變。我現在的英文程度很不錯，隨便拿起壹本書我基本都可以讀，除了spelling上面有些錯誤。退休以後我有想葉落歸根，回到山裏做義工，去教英語或者瀕危的方言。可是也只是想，沒有計劃。我覺得我女兒超愛臺灣，臺灣更有人情味。我女兒不習慣英國的天氣，”他媽冷的要命，我要去臺灣“，她說。騎摩托啊比如，她超愛的。骨子裏她是臺灣人多過於英國人，當然，她是我養大的。我超有成就感。我在身份認同上無所謂她更喜歡臺灣還是英國，但是我知道她（女兒）的心是向著我的。臺灣好吃好喝又方便，老公喜歡在臺灣生活，臺灣很愛他。那麽壹個小島，人們都很熱心。
New passport and nostalgia
I was quite proud when I got my new passport. It marks my achievement. I passed the exam by myself. I went to the English class, learned from the big book, LIFE IN THE UK. But for me, life has not changed, and life shall not be simply changed because of a passport. My current English level is good cause I'm able to read a book I picked up randomly., though occasionally I made some spelling mistakes. When reaching the retirement age, I wanna go back to rural places in Taiwan to be a volunteer, teaching English or endangered dialects. However, right now, I'm merely thinking rather then making any plans. I feel my daughter loves Taiwan very much because Taiwan is more friendly. My daughter's not used to the weather here. "It's fucking cold (in the UK). I wanna go to Taiwan." she said. She loves riding motorbike. Deep in her mind, she feels more Taiwanese than being British. That's for sure cause it's me who's been raising her. That's my achievement, too. I don't care which identity she feels attached to... either Taiwanese or British, but I know that her would is more on my side. In Taiwan, food is delicious, traffic is convenient. My hubby loves living in Taiwan. Taiwan loves him as well. People are so enthusiastic on such small island.
